Sick Cycle

I’ve been reading Captivating by Stasi and John Eldridge.  It’s a very insightful book, and very interesting.  In one portion, it asks you to go into your heart and find out what lies you’ve been living (I am ugly, I don’t matter, I have no talent, etc.), and to forgive the people that caused you those hurts.  It’s been hard for me to go through some of the things that I’ve burried so deep, and some of the things that I tell myself have been written on my heart for a long, long time. 

The one “side effect” that I hadn’t counted on was the dreams that have been cycling through my nights.  Every now and then, and ex-boyfriend or an old crush will pop up in my dreams.  Usually, it’s not painful, and although I feel awkward about it the next morning, it fades and life goes back to normal.  This time it seems that all my ex’s and crushes are giving me all my old wounds again.  So and so from high school tells me that the other girl was a better woman.  My first serious boyfriend tells me that I’m not worthy to get married to.  That guy from the Kung Fu Studio tells me that I’m too fat.  I could go on.

I’m finding it harder and harder to let the dreams go.  They are hounding me through the daytime hours, and it’s hard to get to a neutral place, let alone a forgiving place where God can work to heal my heart as I let go of the bitterness and regret.  When I was pregnant, I had to lay in bed each morning, and “paint” the snippets of dreams left in my head in a whitewash.  I had such vivid dreams that would follow me through the day, and it wasn’t until I imagined painting over each of them that they would fade from my mind. 

I sincerely pray that these dreams will stop coming soon.  I have no desire to go through each of those situations again each night in my sleep.  I’ve lived them all once, and that was enough for me.  While I have no doubt in my mind that God would have blessed me had I taken different paths in my life, I feel like none can hold a candle to what I have now.  I love my life, and how it’s turned out (for the most part – there are always things that I would want to change, nothing is perfect). 

I’m getting ready for bed.  I hope that this cycle will cease, and maybe I’ll dream about kittens and rainbows or something.