The Ups and Down

I’m feeling really good today.  Maybe part of my problem is just that I’m lonely, so I feel good because I spent all day with my neigbour and her kid.  ::shrugs::  I have no idea.

Anyway, I was talking to L (my neighbour) about how I was feeling lately, and that whole ‘unmet expectations’ thing came up.  I think I have a lot of unmet expectations regarding this mother thing.  I mean, I love being a mom, don’t get me wrong.  Having Kitten was a wonderful decision and I don’t regret it at all (other than that brief “holy crap, what did we do” moment when you’re at home with a new baby and you’ve realized your whole world will never be the same), but I don’t think that it was really what I expected.  I am not all that sure that I know WHAT I expected, you know? 

I think that I expected to be ok by myself a lot, and maybe I’m not.  I don’t think that I really want to go back to work, but maybe I just need to be more social.  I’ve been saying this to myself a lot in the past couple of months, but maybe not really getting out there and doing it.  It was so nice to go shopping and swimming with L today.  If you’ve ever played the Sims, then you know about the different mood meters.  Like the toilet one, the room one, the food one, the fun one… the social one.  I feel like my social meter is never quite full.  I think that I didn’t realize how much interaction I got from being at work.  That being said… I’m not interested in going back.  I’m not interested in doing anything that causes us to have to look at a daycare type option.  It’s not that I think that daycare is all bad, but it’s just not where I want to be (not to mention that the take-home after daycare would be pretty tiny).

I believe that I expected to want to play with Kitten more, and truthfully?  I find her a little boring.  I mean, I like to clap hands with her, and make her giggle and talk to her and stuff, but she’s not really interactive right now.  I know that my job is to stimulate her, so she gets what she needs, and not the other way around.  I do try to give her as much stimulation that I can, but some days I feel like a little bit of my adult self dies a little bit each day.  I have no problem singing silly songs and doing silly things to entertain her, but I guess I expected to enjoy it more.  Does that make any sense? 

I didn’t get a chance to call my doctor today for an appointment, which pretty much sucks, but I chose to be out all day instead.  I think when I do talk to her, I’m going to see if she can recommend a therapist before just signing me up for the medication.  I don’t believe that I’m at a place where I really need the drugs to function.  Sure, it would be easier to take the little pill and let the pharmaceuticals smooth me out… but it’s not really a long term solution for me, for right now.  I think I’d like to talk it out with a good therapist to see if they have a better idea of how to make me feel less crazy.  I just know how much I hated coming off the meds last time, and I really hated that I couldn’t take IB profin or decongestants.  But yeah.  That is where I am today.

On a completely unrelated note, I bought a new spice rack, so I have all my little spice jars lined up in neat rows, alphabetically.  I’m THAT much of a geek.