I’m feeling really good today. Maybe part of my problem is just that I’m lonely, so I feel good because I spent all day with my neigbour and her kid. ::shrugs:: I have no idea.
Anyway, I was talking to L (my neighbour) about how I was feeling lately, and that whole ‘unmet expectations’ thing came up. I think I have a lot of unmet expectations regarding this mother thing. I mean, I love being a mom, don’t get me wrong. Having Kitten was a wonderful decision and I don’t regret it at all (other than that brief “holy crap, what did we do” moment when you’re at home with a new baby and you’ve realized your whole world will never be the same), but I don’t think that it was really what I expected. I am not all that sure that I know WHAT I expected, you know?
I think that I expected to be ok by myself a lot, and maybe I’m not. I don’t think that I really want to go back to work, but maybe I just need to be more social. I’ve been saying this to myself a lot in the past couple of months, but maybe not really getting out there and doing it. It was so nice to go shopping and swimming with L today. If you’ve ever played the Sims, then you know about the different mood meters. Like the toilet one, the room one, the food one, the fun one… the social one. I feel like my social meter is never quite full. I think that I didn’t realize how much interaction I got from being at work. That being said… I’m not interested in going back. I’m not interested in doing anything that causes us to have to look at a daycare type option. It’s not that I think that daycare is all bad, but it’s just not where I want to be (not to mention that the take-home after daycare would be pretty tiny).
I believe that I expected to want to play with Kitten more, and truthfully? I find her a little boring. I mean, I like to clap hands with her, and make her giggle and talk to her and stuff, but she’s not really interactive right now. I know that my job is to stimulate her, so she gets what she needs, and not the other way around. I do try to give her as much stimulation that I can, but some days I feel like a little bit of my adult self dies a little bit each day. I have no problem singing silly songs and doing silly things to entertain her, but I guess I expected to enjoy it more. Does that make any sense?
I didn’t get a chance to call my doctor today for an appointment, which pretty much sucks, but I chose to be out all day instead. I think when I do talk to her, I’m going to see if she can recommend a therapist before just signing me up for the medication. I don’t believe that I’m at a place where I really need the drugs to function. Sure, it would be easier to take the little pill and let the pharmaceuticals smooth me out… but it’s not really a long term solution for me, for right now. I think I’d like to talk it out with a good therapist to see if they have a better idea of how to make me feel less crazy. I just know how much I hated coming off the meds last time, and I really hated that I couldn’t take IB profin or decongestants. But yeah. That is where I am today.
On a completely unrelated note, I bought a new spice rack, so I have all my little spice jars lined up in neat rows, alphabetically. I’m THAT much of a geek.