There was one apsect of my last bout with depression that I forgot, and for some reason wasn’t able to identify this time around. Namely, guilt. I’m not sure why I’m feeling this so strongly this time, and especially today.
I feel like CRAP today. I feel terrible because a friend of mine was telling me about how she can’t get pregnant – the one desire of her heart. I walked away from that discussion feeling so guilty because I have Kitten… and worse still because I’m not enjoying being a mom as much as I used to. We went to Costco to do some shopping this evening, and when we got there, it was closed. This wasn’t in any way my fault, except for the fact that I said “hey, we should go to Costco to get some stuff”. It was a waste of time to go, as they closed at 5 pm (what the heck?), but I had to internalize and feel terrible about it.
It’s starting to get in the way of my marriage. I’m not communicating with Rob the way that I prefer to, because I don’t want to make him unhappy, plus I feel like everything is my fault. I found a used crib for a reasonable price, and suggested that we purchase it. We bought it, brought it home and used it without issue for 7 months (well, not that Kitten slept in it for the first 2 months, but that is neither here nor there). It broke last week, and I didn’t tell Rob about it for over 3 days, because I didn’t want to upset him. After all, I was the one that said we should buy it, and if anything goes wrong with it… well, it’s my fault. (note: The sliding side wasn’t functioning properly. Don’t worry, it’s safe, and we did try to fix it, but it still sticks. We’re fresh out of ideas, though) When we were tightening the screw that came loose that made it stop working Rob said “that’s what you get for not tightening things enough”. He built the crib, but I for some reason internalized this and felt like it was a critisism of me. Which it so obviously wasn’t (eight hours later, I can say that).
I’m not sure why I seem so keen to accept responsibility for everything lately. I know that most things that are going on aren’t my fault. Yeah, I didn’t check the Costco hours, but neither did Rob. We just assumed it would be open when we went. I have nothing to do with my friend having fertility issues, but I still feel guilty that I was blessed with a baby and she wasn’t. I didn’t build the crib, but oh boy does it sting that it’s not working perfectly.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on how guilty I feel over deciding not to breastfeed full time. And how terrible I feel about starting solids at 6 months, the doctor recommended time (but not the kellymom recommended time!). Or how I have problems sleeping because I KNOW that I’m spending more money than necessary by giving her formula for three feedings a day. Yeah. I don’t even need to go there.
I don’t know. Maybe I do have some therapy-worthy issues after all. ::sigh::