I’ve been avoiding it, and trying to convince myself that everything is OK, but it’s time to be honest. I think that The Crazy is back. At least I’m starting to feel that way.
My life is pretty charmed. There’s very little for me to worry about, and I pretty much want for nothing. But there is something that is hanging over me, that is keeping me from enjoying anything. It seems like lately I’m not even interested in my daughter, which is a pretty big sign for me. Truly, she could play with Rob all night, and I don’t want to see her… even though she’s in the next room. I don’t want to miss out on any of her infancy, so I think that I need to make an appointment with my doctor.
I did discuss this with my doctor a couple of weeks ago. I was hoping that taking B12 and getting out of the house more would improve my mood and my outlook, but it just seems to be getting worse. The doctor didn’t want me to wait much more than a couple of weeks, so it looks like I get to go back and get the Anti-Crazy Pill.
At least with this depression I’m not so angry. That is why I think I’ve left it for so long. I don’t have the rages that I did last time… I’m just way more unresponsive. I know that something isn’t right when I don’t want to talk to Rob or play with Kitten. I usually love to do those things, but this past week especially, I couldn’t spend enough time by myself. I just don’t feel normal and right.
I’m hoping that my doctor can help. I would go to a group or see someone to talk about this stuff, but I just don’t feel like anything is actually wrong. I don’t feel like I really have anything to complain about (other than my weight, and feeling like I have to be “on” all the time, but those aren’t really worthy of therapy, IMO). I’m just not sure that those kinds of things contribute to PPD. Sure, unmet expectations can have a really big effect on a person’s outlook and well-being, but yeah. I don’t know. We’ll see what my doctor recommends.
So if I’m not around, it’s not because I don’t love the internet any more, but it will probably be because I’m adjusting to the medication (or whatever treatment option she outlines for me). I’m hoping to stay as active as I can (even though I’m not all that regular with my posts), but you never know. All I do know is that I have to beat The Crazy, before The Crazy beats me.