Crying All the Time

A quick and dirty update for you, bullets are free of charge!

  • Kitten FINALLY latched on and actually was able to eat from the breast today (with a shield.  Who knew that big boobs didn’t equal big success in feeding?), actually, not until tonight.  I think my milk came in this afternoon, as my boobs felt flat and normal in the morning, but by my afternoon shower, they were heavy and low.  I’m not engorged (yet), so that’s well.  This is totally an answer to prayer, as it’s one of the reasons for my title!
  • My awesome sister came over to help us today.  I took a shower, and went to lay down without Kitten and couldn’t sleep.  Instead, I cried because I missed her, and also because I feel an overwhelming sense of loss in general.  I think I miss being pregnant, I miss having her in my belly.  Which is stupid, because now she’s in my arms.  I think I’m also slightly mourning the loss of our life before.  I feel like I’ve lost something or someone that I can’t get back.  I know these feelings will/should fade as I start too look forward to the future and stuff.
  • The emotional aspect of this is hitting me much harder than I thought.  I didn’t think I’d be so upset about not being able to breastfeed her off the bat.  I didn’t think that I would be so sad about not being pregnant.  I didn’t expect so much of this, and I think it (along with the hormones) is really sending me for a loop. 
  • Pumping fully sucks, and I hope that I don’t have to do it much more now that Kitten is kind of thinking that maybe breastfeeding would be ok.  I’ll keep it up (and just store the milk) until we have a fully functioning and mostly formula free routine, but dude.  The minute I can get rid of that terrible machine?  I totally will.
  • Other than that, things are pretty good.  She’s such a cutie, and I love her to absolute pieces. 

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