Our Hospital Tour

Last night, we had a tour of the Labour & Delivery Unit of the hospital where Kitten will be born.  It was nice to finally be able to see all the different areas that we’ll be in, plus, it was very reassuring to see WHERE I’ll be giving birth, and what kind of equipment they have.

I was pleased to see that everyone gets their own labour & delivery room.  Once you’re fully in labour, you get a private room with a baby warmer station, a CD player, a shower, a cool multi-adjustible bed.  All good things.  I (for some reason) had a vision of the labour room having four beds with curtains, where you would have to labour and grunt and groan along with other women.  Which?  Not my idea of a good time.  So I was pleased with that.  Also, they do everything with the baby about 4 feet from the bed.  I (again, I don’t know why) thought that they would take the baby away and deal with her somewhere else, which really bothered me.  So, I’m very pleased with what I saw.  I was also really happy to see that they have a plethora of private rooms, and that we have an excellent chance of being able to get one.  Semi-Private rooms are generally reserved for women who are not post-pardum, or if you do end up in a semi-private, they try not to put anyone else in with you (unless they’re super busy).  So I’m feeling very reassured at this point.

I need to mention a few things about the tour, though… the first being that it’s really not a good idea to show up drunk out of your skull.  Seriously.  Some poor woman and her drunk-assed husband came about a half hour late.  My personal theory is that he called her to come pick his dumb butt up, and she did because she was hormonal and he was probably beligerant.  Anyway, he spent the whole evening embarrassing both himself and her. 

At first, we all thought that maybe he had a problem – that he wasn’t in the best of health, or had a handicap… Until we all stood up to go on the actual tour and could smell him.  He reeked of alcohol and cheap mexican food (hey, I’m a pregnant lady with an over active nose.  These things happen).  It was horrible.  When we all got into the elevator, most people tried to pile into the first one, closing the doors before he could get in.  Not the politest thing to do, but when most of us still have some form of smell-adversion?  Probably not a bad idea.  It was kind of funny because the teacher turned to us as we were walking out of the classroom and asked if he was drunk.  When we all thought that might be the case, she said that she’d seen a lot of things in her time… but a drunk father at the hospital tour?  That was a first.

The guy also keep interrupting and putting his two cents in, when he really didn’t know much at all.  He claimed that circumsision cost over $400, when the teacher (a nurse!  At that hospital!) was ballparking it around $300 (each doctor has their own fee, and it’s not necessarily the same across the board).  He also decided that he would answer all the questions that the teacher asked of his wife.  A few of those gems were “So, how many weeks are you?”  His answer?  “YES!!!!”  How that makes sense?  I don’t know.  I didn’t get to hear the answer, either, I was too busy dying inside for her a little bit.  Then, when the nurse/teacher asked if the heat was bothering her, he piped up that it wasn’t at all!  She had a swimming pool!  At this point, I was getting a little cranky with him.  I mean, it’s one thing to show up drunk, it’s another to not let your wife answer the questions that pertain to her health and happiness.  He doesn’t actually know that the heat is or isn’t bothering her.  Grrr.  Although the comment that I kind of had to laugh at was when the nurse stopped talking to him and listening to him (things were starting to drag on a little long), so he finally says really loudly (as drunks are wont to do) “Fine!  You don’t like me!  You don’t have to like me!  You just have to like my wife and help her!”  ::sigh::

We managed to finally get out of there, only to realize that no, the humidty and temperature outside hadn’t changed, and that it was still as hot and muggy as all get out.  We did go to visit my mom, which was nice as we had a couple things to give to her, and we haven’t seen her since she went on vacation.  [Note:  Jenn – go see her.  She won’t rest until you do.  Seriously.]  At least everything is cool this morning, and I have all the windows in the house open, trying to cool it all down before the temperature starts to go up. 

Anyway, so my rules of how to be the hospital tour clown are:

  1. Drink to excess
  2. Call your wife to pick your drunk ass up, causing both of you to be late to the tour
  3. Randomly interject all your hard-earned wisdom about your first child (yet to be born!) during the teacher’s talk
  4. Stumble around the tour, reeking of booze, asking if you can get into the jaccuzzi
  5. Answer all the questions directed at your wife
  6. Claim that no one likes you, BUT IT’S OK!!
  7. Laugh and think it’s a good thing when the nurse/teacher says that she’ll definitely remember you when you come in to have that baby!!!

Ps – my bag is packed (fully!), the car seat is installed, the nursery is cleaned and cat approved (they love sleeping under the beds in there).  I am officially ready for this baby – which is good as I totally thought that I was going into labour last night (no such luck, my contractions stopped and I fell asleep.  Darn.).

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