I feel cranky today. Very snapish and short tempered again. Drat. I hate this anger issue. I need to make an appointment with my doctor.
I had a dream last night that I was dating Duncan from Veronica Mars (yes, I have dreams about people on TV). Anyway, during my dream I would randomly freak out and slap him, or something. Then I would cry and he would tell that it’s not my fault and that the meds will kick in soon, and all this will stop. It was so weird.
I hate being angry all that time. I know that I am acting like I’m four, but I can’t stop it, it’s like something else has control of me (but not really in a possession kind of way). I alternate from feeling completely dead and without emotion to stark raving mad in moments, only to be numb again minutes later. The ***ONLY*** thing that I’ve been excited about lately is that George RR Martin is coming to town next week, and seriously, I had about a five minute dance regarding that, and then it was back to dead. I can’t live like this any more! I’ve had enough! I was hoping that having a brighter house and the stress leaving would be enough, but this cranky black cloud hasn’t dissapeared. I guess it’s time to make that appointment… I just don’t know what to expect though. I’ve told her before that I’ve thought I was depressed, and she recommended the usual things (good diet, lots of exercise, feel good activities) and none of that has helped. I guess she’ll probably refer me to someone, or does she treat me herself (Carolyn, do you know the answer to this? Most of the websites I look up are american, and their healthcare system is different). I know that my good friend Deb is on meds, and that it keeps her from killing her husband (no joke, she once locked her husband and kids out of the house because she seriously thought she would kill them if they came inside). She says that it really helps her and has improved her life so much. While I don’t want a fake happiness, I don’t want to live such a bleak existance, where my days feel like nothing, or they feel like anger. I’m tired of having mood swings where one moment I’m talking about one thing, and flying into a rage the next (ask Rob, they get pretty bad). I’ve never physically done anything about it, but I know that Rob puts up with A LOT of crap. I try not to take it out on him, but it’s hard because he’s around so often. I am afraid that it is going to ruin our marriage, or worse, our friendship.