My Memory Box(es)

So, I\’ve been going through my memory boxes and stuff (the places where I keep all of my momento\’s… movie ticket stubs, dried flowers, stuff from old boyfriend, etc.) when I came across a note that was passed to me by a 25 year old boy at home depot. It reads:

\”Emily [that was my nickname]

I\’ve decided that I\’m going to ask you out.
I don\’t know when though. Maybe today. Maybe tomorow. Maybe next week. maybe next month. Maybe two months from now. Maybe net year. Maybe three years after that. Maybe… whenever!

[phone number] Call me and give me two good reasons why I shouldn\’t.

Later, your friend Jamie or Jacob or whoever, I just don\’t know really. [his name is Karl – I just called him Jamie]

It amused me so to read it again because he put it in a sealed envelope labeled \”Emily\” and stuck it up by the time clock. Due to the fact that there really was no emily in the building, I knew it was for me. Anyway, at that point I had a boyfriend and wasn\’t interested, but very flattered, and I told him so. So when I read this, I laughed and chuckled and reminised a little…

Now as I\’m writing this, I\’m starting to feel horrible. I used to be (possibly still am?) the biggest flirt ever. I was so reckless with other people\’s hearts, and I wasn\’t even paying attention. It was like I high jacked their car, and drove it straight into a tree because I was too busy looking at something else! I hope and pray that it is a habit that I can break… or already have broken. I don\’t feel like I am such a flirt any more, but who can say? I know that I flirt [a lot] with Rob, but I don\’t really feel like that\’s a bad thing… I kind of think that it is a good thing, really. I just hope that I am able to contain myself around other men. I really pray that I am. I pray that I can become more concious of it. I think that part of the problem is that I\’m not paying attention to it. Yikes.

So I just thought that I would share this in my amusement, which turned into sort of a guilt thing. I\’m so glad that I am going through all of my stuff and getting rid of a lot of it. Carolyn, I know what you mean now when we had that conversation so long ago about noot needing or wanting the \”stuff\” from your past relationships. I totally agree. I don\’t really WANT to be reminded of stuff from my past. Not that I really regret ALL of it (I do regret certain aspects of my past), but I am somewhat shamed by it. It was certainly a dark part of my life, and I don\’t really ever want to visit it again.

Now that I\’ve started to feel this way, I wonder what I should do with my friends from my past. Not that I would ever stop talking to them (such as Bruce, as he was such a good friend to me, and has come to understand me in ways), but I\’m having a hard time to fit some of them into my life still. Take Chris and Laurie for example. All I did with them was drink heavily and take Kung Fu. Now, they are great people and a lot of fun, but I suddenly have NOTHING in common with them any more. In fact, I would never want to have them meet Rob as they are my past incarnate. While I love them as people, I can\’t barely think of either of them without mentally revisiting all of the stupid things I have done in their apartment every time. It\’s such a struggle for me. I don\’t want to be reminded of my past… of the things that I\’m ashamed of… and WORSE – the things that I enjoyed! There is unbelievable guilt and sin and shame associated with some of my friends and I don\’t know how to break that without breaking that friendship. I don\’t know if I can do that.

The only friend that I really see myself keeping (and not for many more years… I\’m sure that after I am married we will drift even further apart) is Bruce. We did have a fair amount in common before we started dating and had a reasonably strong friendship. He\’s kind and nice and we have similar interests… but I still see us drifting apart every time we see each other. I don\’t want to stop talking to him or being friend with him, but sometimes I have a hard time relating to his bitterness… or do I relate to it and it shames me… I do not know.

I am finding that I do not really need guy friends any more. I never thought that I would come to this point – that I would always have several men around me, all knowing me fairly well. I guess that there is only one (well, 2, if you count Christ) man that I want to know me well. I do still need girl friends, and as my relationship with Rob deepens, I am finding that need stronger.

It\’s kind of strange, I feel like I\’m at a crossroads of sorts… I don\’t really think that I am. Not relationship/life direction-wise. Is it possible to be at a crossroads mentally? If I am at that point…how do I know what path to take? I don\’t see much of a difference in the two paths, and frankly… maybe there isn\’t two… maybe my vision is just blurry.

Sorry if this doesn\’t make sense, I\’m very tired, but needed to unload before I went to bed so I could actually sleep rather than laying in bed thinking about everything.

Some days I wonder how strong my faith in God really is. Some days I don\’t really feel like he\’s real. It\’s so weird. People always say \”well, you should find the love your dad never gave you in God\”… I was thinking about this tonight… How do I do that? I have a hard time \”feeling\” God\’s love… is there some trick or thing I have to pray to really feel like I\’m loved by God? I can count off my blessing… I have to remove my socks and use my toes, God has been so good to me! Am I expecting something that isn\’t going to happen? I wonder if I expect God\’s love to settle on my heart like a big warm blanket, and then I get sad when I don\’t \”feel\” it. Is it about \”feelings\”, anyway? Is earth more about feeling apart from God than close? There are times when I can really feel the presence of God, where I can really feel and understand what people say about that… but why isn\’t it constant? Is it supposed to be constant?

I\’m frustrated at some christians right now. I want to know how I can prove myself to them, that I can make them understand that I have changed and that I am different (regardless of my self-doubt, I know that God has changed my heart by leaps and bounds). How do you lovingly point out to a person who\’s been a christian FOREVER that they are being judgemental and unchrist-like in their unwillingness to forgive? I don\’t want to be the prodigal son, but frankly, I am. I\’ve gone out and sown my wild outs and wished that I had chosen a different lot in life, but done is done. I\’ve come back to God and struggle to find myself in him… but I need the support of the christians around me to continue in this battle for my mine… and I need it from the christians that I look up to and love the most! I NEED to be accepted by them and to be completely loved by them. I know that I have hurt their feelings… but I can\’t take back what I have done. It\’s so hard to try to do what\’s right and \”be good\” when I\’m expected to fail and screw up again.

I\’m glad that I still have work to do, that makes me incredibly happy. As long as I have work to do, I can still work where I am and make descent money. Yay for that.

I should go to bed… well, I really need to take my contacts out more than anything… but bed would be good too.